The Sons

Conflicting thoughts

I was at a workshop today presenting a topic that people would think I have no experience on which gives me no capacity to speak about on such issues, especially when I’m a transgender.

Fortunately, with a supportive boss and superior, I was given the chance. I struggle with myself internally. “Am i up for it? Should I be here? Will people listen to me?”

I don’t know. If there’s one thing that is keeping me going and doing what I do, it will be the passion. The drive and the surging feeling of wanting to reach out; to the ones who are afraid or complacent to talk about the more sensitive or perhaps complex issues.

I’ve always been very sure because of this igniting fire in me. But I underperformed today. It is not about what or how these people who I’m presenting to fare me, it is my expectations I fail to meet.

Juggling with public image work has awarded me with and the image the sons may have of me is quite stressful.
As much as I want to help the sons, I don’t want to neglect the other.

Being been harsh on myself has always been my pushing factor.

With thoughts and reflections comes changes.

I have to learn to strike a balance.

Fletcher

Pride and shame

We often pride ourselves for accomplishments we have and compliments people gave. These sometimes made us complacent in return.

I often questioned myself, what my values are. Can I forget what are the things my friends did for me when I was at my lowest? Did I came here all on my own? Will I be better off soaring on my own? My journey is about me and I don’t care about what anyone says? Will things be the same as now even without my partner?

My answers to all my above thoughts were yes. My initial thoughts were these: why do I have to credit anyone? I came these far because of the hardships I’ve been through. I am able to stand here only because I was brave. No one contributed to any aspect of me. I was so wrong, so wrong.

It is contradicting to some how I mentioned in my previous post how circumstances made me stronger. But if you look deeper, it is in a way linked.

I realised I was overcompensating for what was lacking in the past. I didn’t want to depend on anyone, anymore. When I started gaining independence, my pride starts building up. I never lost in a fight. I never give in for I am always right. I never apologize for it was not me who sinned.

People started to drift. I realised then, I’ve been wearing pride as a cloak. The shame has been hidden under, to protect me from my vulnerable self. To lessen the pain I have felt in my growing years.

I felt shameful when it dawned on me that I was getting too comfortable and complacent on how things are. How I allow pride to take away things in my life.

Pride, just 5 letters yet powerful. it destroys your life yet brings you to places. If mishandled, you’ll end up with nothing but the pride you proudly lived for.

Sons, ask yourseles, what’s important and keeps you moving. Is it your friends, family, partner or pride. Without any of the first 3 mentioned, does pride do any good?

You can only be proud of having pride when you understand that it is okay to leave pride behind for the better, for those who love us.

Never use it as a cloak. It breaks you down, faster than you can imagine.

Fletcher

Anonymous asked: hi fletcher, i am a transman who live in sg just like u and i find it hard each day as i transition in stealth. have you always been so comfortable with who u are? have u been open abt ur GID right from start?

Hi Anon, i have lived in stealth for quite a few years before deciding that it isn’t what i want. I remember being paranoid all the time and wonder if my colleagues started suspecting i am not a bio male. I can still remember this fear until this day, it was a terrible feeling. I started meeting other transman and shared my hesitation in coming out. I hear from many different views and decided to do this gradually. 

I am still not entirely visible or stealth now but i am happy. 

Living as a trans*man in my younger years

In my years of living, there are countless incidents where i felt like my rights were revoked as a human just because i am trans*. When i was younger, i often questioned myself, “Was i not likable?”, “Was it wrong to transition?”, “Did living in poverty rob my of my rights?”. 
My friends and family told me, “your decision will destroy your life”. These thoughts and unsupportive peers/ family did not deter my from living my life.

Looking back
During my transition journey when i was much younger, i recall putting up a fight when forced to put on a dress, detention classes for kissing a girl, ran away from home because my parents couldn’t understand and losing a few good friends who thought i was a freak. Being brought up in a traditionally conservative family, there was no way i could tell them how i really felt about myself. When i eventually muster enough courage at the age of 11, my mum sent me to a counselor, psychiatrist and to the hospital to increase my female hormones level. I told her what she did was repulsive and i want out. 

What happens after was very much, a journey of my own. I started working at 12, saving bit by bit and played the waiting game. When i reached 20, i took my first testosterone injection. Though it was just the first step but i knew then, what i’m doing is going to be life-changing. 

Present
Someone asked, “After living as a trans* for so long, did it not change a bit of your life?”. 
My answer to her is yes. It did change my life but it wasn’t only a fair bit of it. Every single aspects of my life has change, pretty dramatically. Even if i were given a chance to step into the time machine, i will have to say no. I have come this far only because i have lived as who i was. 

With the lack of support from other trans*man, i now run a support group on a monthly basis. I am thankful to have people who benefitted from the group and i hope they can also reach out to other questioning trans*man in need of help. 

If you find yourself questioning and want to hear from other guys in the group, i can be reached via email: voicesofthesons@gmail.com or twitter @voicesofthesons

Fletcher

That job you want

I’ve posted #thesons newsletter last week with event happenings for May.

Pretty excited for the upcoming HR talk or rather, debate session coming up on 26 May. Come throw out questions on the ground and have them answered by our speaker.

Doesn’t matter if you are still in college, it’s always good to have some preparation before going out there to the society.

Have you guys sign up yet? Seats are limited. If you haven’t, send us your details to voicesofthesons@gmail.com to register.

It’s open to all questioning, pre/post #transman.

Any questions? Just hit the ask button.

Fletcher

Mother’s day thought.

I hope #thesons have spent a fulfilling day with their mum for this mother’s day.

If your mum have been supportive of your transitioning, don’t forget to tell her how thankful and appreciative you are. If your mum is not, perhaps just take the opportunity to spend more time together. Make her feel appreciated and she may probably come to terms with it eventually.

Fletcher

Think your hips got smaller after starting on hormones replacement therapy?

You can stop the guessing game now. It is now proven in a study done by Belgium department of endocrinology that it is true. 

Before hormonal treatment, transsexual men had similar body composition and bone geometry as female controls. The transsexual men on long-term testosterone therapy, however, demonstrated a higher lean body mass and muscle mass and a greater grip strength as well as a lower body and subcutaneous fat mass and a larger waist and smaller hip circumference compared with female controls  

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Support group #01

Having run the support group for only a year and a half till date, I’m really appreciative of having supportive members who stood by me throughout.

Though some have came and gone, those who believe in me stayed on.

Someone told me he felt like the group didn’t know what they were doing. I don’t disagree but I don’t agree. We all know or will know what we want at one point, perhaps it is just not the time yet.

Though he had comments about the group, i’m glad it wasn’t quite a negative one.

Let’s all grow together.